


想念你 (Missing You)

by sichenqs



Category: NCT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Slow Burn, This is crack i stg, Trainee Life, Yanchen is the nicest boy™, zeren is a crackhead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-05-09 07:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14711729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sichenqs/pseuds/sichenqs
Summary: Years ago, an ocean got in between Zeren and Yanchen’s friendship. This time, Zeren won’t let it happen again.(or, where Zeren is still going after the same handsome gēge, even after four years.)





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> (un beta-d)
> 
> hey yall, this is my first IP work ever, and obv I was inspired by my favorite crackhead boyfriends-- zeren and yanchen. i know they were both sm trainees at around the same time so yeah. also!! not much information about how they entered the company is online, and neither is the training process. so this is all fiction, please don't take my word as fact.  
> enjoy!

 

**PART 1: BEFORE**

**Summer, 2014**

 

Ding Zeren is fresh out of middle school when he’s in the middle of a bustling city in a foreign country wondering, ‘what the _fuck_ am I doing here?’ 

 

In all honesty, he’d auditioned for SM Entertainment half as a joke and half on a whim, not expecting a callback _and_ a free flight to Seoul. 

 

And so there he is, fourteen years old, sitting in the plush leather seats of a company worth more than he’d ever be, waiting for the lady at the front desk to bring someone that speaks Chinese. When the Chinese woman (thank _god,_ he didn’t know how much longer he’d survive with broken English) comes by, he realizes exactly how out of place he feels. She looks so put-together, even as a foreigner away from home. Zeren thinks about what he looks like — a gawky teenager wearing ratty sneakers and an off-brand shirt. He judges himself. She probably does too. 

 

He tells her what exactly he’s there for. That he auditioned in SM’s Chongqing round and made it through the second screening process. He received an email from the company and was called back to visit _at this specific date_. The lady — whose name he learned was Wén — nodded at him and motioned for him to follow her. 

 

Zeren then realizes that, _damn,_ SM is huge. Wen leads him to a back elevator, separate from the one he saw by the reception. After going up seven (or was it eight? nine?) floors, she then leads him to a long and wide hallway. Zeren sees posters of artists he’s well familiar with, both in name and in their work. He supposes the many, _many_ posters and quotes along the building’s walls are meant to be sort of a _‘hey! one day you could be this too!’_ to the young talent of SM entertainment. 

 

He knows, of course, that ninety percent of these trainees will go back to their regular lives, continue school or work, and live a mundane life. They’ll probably think back to the time of their youth, hot and young and full of potential, and wonder, _‘but what if?’_ (This, Zeren decides, is his worst nightmare). 

 

Wen leaves him in a large training room with twenty or so other trainees (is Zeren a trainee? He doesn’t think so). He notices that almost all of them are foreign, and probably the rest of the trainees chosen from 2013’s global auditions. He notices that a good number of them are Chinese and Japanese, some are Korean-American, and that the rest are probably from Southeast Asia. Some of the trainees from the same countries are already conversing, the others who can speak English have started to mingle as well. The two men at the front of the room then call for the trainees’ attention, one speaking in Korean and the other in English. They tell the trainees to line up in a horizontal queue, and introduce themselves one by one and perform a skill as well.

 

Zeren, being the last one to enter the room, goes last. From the few American movies he’s watched, he remembers the phrase ‘save the best for last’, which, funnily enough, the English speaking instructor says right before he goes up to the front. 

 

Zeren is most definitely _not_ the best. Over the past half hour, he’d heard golden voices, witnessed exceptional dance moves, and seen faces he wasn’t sure were real or not. He began to get psyched out, but in an effort to seem cool and collected, he continues. 

 

As per the email sent to him, he prepared an introduction in English that he rehearsed over and over on the plane ride to Seoul. “Hello everyone. My name is Zeren Ding. I am fifteen years old this year. I am good at dancing.” he says, accent and robotic voice shining in all their glory. 

 

He thought it would look too desperate to perform a song from an artist of the company, so instead, Zeren dances a well practiced hip-hop routine to a popular western song. He’d practiced this routine for a solid month, with his friends helping him pick out the song and his dance instructor choreographing the moves for him. He follows the instructions made by his dance teacher and looks the men in front directly in the eye. He makes sure his moves flow well with the song, and that his expression matches as well. By the end of his performance, Zeren is pleased with himself. 

 

He goes back and sits on the floor with the rest of the sweating trainees. The pretty Thai girl next to him smiles and congratulates him for his performance. Then, both of the instructors stand up. “Congratulations children, you are this year’s batch of SM’s foreign trainees. Do well and work hard. You will receive a contract to be returned by the end of this month. Thank you, and good luck.” 

 

The other teenagers and kids around the room look at each other, each one of them with wide eyes and slacked jaws. They all stand up and bow, exiting the room both in awe and in excitement. 

 

Zeren flies back to China and somehow convinces his parents to let him pursue this dream. _“Ba, Ma, look! It’s reasonable. I’ll live in the dorms and I’ll have a monthly stipend and everything. I’ll go to a Chinese school or I’ll continue school online or something. Please. I want this more than anything.”_ Although skeptical, his parents agree — after seeing the conviction in their son’s eyes, what else could they have done?

 

Two weeks later, Zeren and his parents take a trip to Seoul. His parents know all about Super Junior and Wonder Girls, and all the horrors of the South Korean entertainment industry. They (possibly more than Zeren) know that Zeren’s life won’t be easy. They know that he’ll starve, cry, sweat, and bleed all for a dream they don’t know he’ll reach. But if they believe in anything, they believe in their son. And so with great reluctance, they sign the parental consent forms for Ding Zeren to be signed to SM Entertainment. 

 

 

**———**

 

 

Almost six months into his journey to being a Kpop idol, Zeren forms a solid group of both Chinese and foreign friends. While at SM, he meets Ji Hansol, Nakamoto Yuta, Qian Kun, and Huang Renjun, and Zhou Yanchen. They’ve each helped Zeren in their own ways. Kun and Renjun have been a cure to homesickness — they’ve been people he can go to without fear of running out of words or bad grammar; they’ve been the link to the country that he’s missed so dearly. Yuta and Hansol have been great teachers for helping Zeren improve both his dance skills and Korean language skills. Though they sometimes (read: always) treat him like a despicable _dongsaeng,_ he looks up to them, both as role models and great friends. (He also likes to laugh at how they act like an old married couple, always bickering lovingly).

 

And then there is Zhou Yanchen. 

 

Zhou Yanchen with his bright personality and even brighter smile. Zhou Yanchen, a boy with rapping, singing, and dancing talent that Zeren could only dream of. Yanchen, whose handsome face and kind-hearted demeanor even gods would be jealous of. Yanchen, who entered SM shortly before Zeren did and who, despite the age difference, had been his best friend ever since.

 

On his fifteenth birthday, he trains harder than he ever has. He finally, _finally,_ performs EXO’s Growl perfectly, and this becomes his birthday gift to himself. He, after a long time, is finally satisfied and sated. After taking a well deserved nap, Zeren wakes up from the training room floor to a chorus of happy birthdays in different languages, and a cake being thrown in his face. He looks around the room and sees his family away from home. Later that night, while talking to his parents, he can finally, wholeheartedly say, _‘yes Mama, this was worth it.’_

 

— — —

 

Eight months into his trainee life, Zeren had experienced his first breakdown. He knew the costs of this life, he really did. But he was fifteen years old, and seeing the first picture of a school trip from his friends on Weibo triggered something long overdue. 

 

Zeren was having a bad day. He had Korean tutoring for almost two hours, and he had never been more confused about the language then he was. He was frustrated — he thought he was improving steadily day by day, but according to his tutor, he was not. 

 

He was getting ready for bed, scrolling through various SNS sites as usual when he saw pictures from the first year’s annual trip to Hong Kong. Within seconds of seeing his friends’ glowing, smiling faces, he lost it. He started shaking uncontrollably, and before he knew it he dropped his phone and was crying uncontrollably. 

 

He was lucky his two other roommates went out to eat, otherwise, he wasn’t sure if he would have been able to look them in the eye again. Yanchen was fresh out of the bathroom — a towel around his neck and steam flowing out of the bathroom door as usual. He, too, was absentmindedly checking his phone, but once he caught sight of Zeren, he rushed to his side. 

 

“Zeren, Zeren, _xǐaodì,_ what’s wrong?” 

 

“Look! Look at them, Chen gē. They look so happy, their faces are full. They’re in Hong Kong, having fun, while I’m stuck here practicing the same moves _over and over again_ and I can’t get them right!” 

 

Yanchen stilled. “Zeren, Zeren look at me. You’re so unbelievably talented, you have more talent that I ever did when I was your age—”

 

“Stop! Stop it gē, you don’t understand! You’re talented! You’re handsome! I can’t rap, I’m shit at singing and I’m barely average at dance! I’ve been doing this for years and I’m still shit at it!” Zeren began crying uncontrollably. He honestly didn’t know how he had made it this far, what with all the other trainees being heaps and bounds ahead of him. 

 

“Zeren, You’re young you have time. You have so much talent, even Yixing gē said so. You’re fifteen! You should be being a teenager right now, not doing this. The fact that you’re willingly doing this, alone, away from home, despite how young you are, shows how strong you are as a person. Don’t give up, Zeren. I believe in you, _xǐaodì._ ”

 

(This, Zeren realizes, is when he fell in love with Zhou Yanchen).

 

 

**Summer, 2015**

 

Contrary to popular belief, Ding Zeren is not _actually_ an idiot, though Kun, Renjun, Yuta, Hansol, and probably every other trainee would beg to differ. He knows his crush — as glaringly obvious as it is (according to Kun) — on Yanchen is useless. He’s just lucky that Yanchen, bless him, is one of the most oblivious people he knows.

 

He knows he’s (annoyingly) still fifteen and Yanchen is already nineteen and that’s really weird and _really_ illegal. He knows, he really does. But damn if is hormones don’t get in the way of things. 

 

He trains daily with twelve other trainees that specialize in dance. Even with a variety of ages and races, Zeren is pretty sure that each and every one of them is aware of his crush on Yanchen, even the new guy, Sicheng. 

 

In fact, Zeren has never been jealous of anyone in his life (in terms of romance, anyway) until he meets Dong Sicheng. 

 

At first glance, Sicheng seems like an even gawkier, more awkward teenager than Zeren (which is a difficult task to accomplish). But his looks do definitely deceive, as when he introduced himself to the other trainees, he showed his talent in traditional dance and fluent movements. With an uncomfortable smile, broken English and even more broken Korean, Sicheng bows, “Please take care of me!” And Yanchen, being the ever kind-hearted bastard, takes a liking to him immediately. 

 

Soon, Dong Sicheng — or Winwin, as the non-Chinese trainees call him — becomes another addition to their group of idiot, albeit talented trainees. He sticks to Kun, Yanchen, Renjun, and Zeren like a magnet. Because like when Zeren first came to SM, they are the only remnants of his home country that he has. And goddammit, Zeren can’t help _but_ like Sicheng. He’s talented, extremely nice, and just so, _so_ adorable — no matter how old he is. (So really, he can’t blame Yanchen for liking the guy, he just wishes they switched places).

 

On one particularly hot day, Zeren noticed Yanchen checking Sicheng out. And by checking him out, he means _really checking him out_. 

 

Sicheng is trying to practice one of those breakdance-type moves; something that requires sharp and precise movements, Zeren guesses that this is an aspect of dance absent in traditional Chinese Dance. When Sicheng finally takes a break, he stretches and raises his arms above his head for roughly ten seconds. 

 

That means ten seconds of abs peeking through a thin cotton t-shirt. 

 

Right beside Zeren are Kun and Renjun who have already been snickering at Yanchen’s very obvious ogling. Kun, after taking a swig from his water bottle, sprays Yanchen with it. “Hey. Weirdo. Stop staring, you look like you’re about to eat him alive.”

 

Yanchen, dripping with saliva and water, gets up to go to the restroom. “Shut up, I do not.”

 

Zeren, after laughing at Yanchen’s hilariously silly misfortune, gets whacked in the head with the same water bottle. “And you,” Kun says “my idiot _dìdì,_ your crush on Yanchen is becoming embarrassing. Just fess up so we can all stop suffering with you.” 

 

Sicheng, as it turns out, is very straight — much to Yanchen’s dismay (and Zeren’s delight). He rejects Zeren’s advancements and avoids Yuta’s affection like the plague. The only one he’s willing to give love to is Renjun, and that’s more of a brotherly love than anything else. 

 

By the end of that summer, Sicheng bids them all goodbye. He explains that he’s going back to China to start university at ZhongXi. He promises to be back next summer, and that his agreement with his parents was to go to university for at least a year. 

 

With that revelation, Yanchen wonders what exactly he’s still doing in Korea. With his GaoKao scores and talent, he could easily get into a top fine arts university. He misses home, he misses his parents, and all his friends started university a year ago. Yanchen knows that training at the renowned SM Entertainment would look good on his resumé anyway, so with that, he decides not to renew his two-year contract with SM. 

 

“We’d hate to see you go. You’re really talented, kid.” One of the manager hyungs tells him. 

 

“I know, but it’s for the best.” Yanchen replies, his practiced Korean flowing well across his tongue. 

 

“Look, your talent will really go to waste. We have connections to Guoran Entertainment in China, we can send in a word for you over there. How does that sound?” 

 

Yanchen thinks it over. He didn’t realize that it would have been possible to pursue this dream _and_ continue his studies. He accepts, grateful that he still has a chance in the entertainment industry. 

 

 

 

A month after Sicheng leaves, Yanchen does too. 

 

He pulls a ‘Kris from EXO’, as Hansol calls it. 

 

Yanchen decided it would be better not to tell his friends until a week before he leaves. And in all honesty, he’d forgotten that he hadn’t told them until he started packing his bags. 

 

“Gē?” Zeren asks, mouth full of seaweed chips and all, “Why are you packing your suitcase?” 

 

“Oh uh… You wanna call the other guys? They’re gonna want to hear this too.” 

 

After calling the rest of the usual crew — Renjun, Yuta, Hansol, and Kun — Yanchen asks them all to listen carefully. He tells them that he’s going back to China to pursue his studies _and_ continue training. It’s for the best, he tells them. He promises to keep in touch, and he thanks them for being there for him for two years. “You guys were my family away from home. I don’t know if I would have survived without you. Thank you.”

 

They hug it out, as friends do. Yuta calls him a bastard, all in mirth, he assures Yanchen. Hansol gives him a strong clap on the back, and tells him that he better not lose touch. Renjun, Zeren, and Kun give Yanchen an even stronger group hug. As fellow countrymen, they’ve all formed a special bond while away from home. Kun is obviously disappointed (not in Yanchen, just that he’ll be gone), and Renjun is teary-eyed. “Gē, promise me you’ll keep in touch okay? I’ll really miss you.” Yanchen ruffles his hair and promises that he’ll never forget him. 

 

Zeren doesn’t say anything until the day Yanchen leaves. He had been giving Yanchen the silent treatment all week, only speaking to him when necessary. As Yanchen is putting on his coat, Zeren attacks him with a fierce bear hug. 

 

“Yanchen gē! I’m gonna miss you so much.” Zeren sniffles “You’ve been my best friend the whole time I’ve been here, I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you.” 

 

“Aiyo. Don’t cry _xǐaodì_. We’ll stay in touch okay? When you go back home come visit me, I’ll treat you to a bowl of beef noodle soup.” 

 

“Gē… I know it’s dumb to tell you this now… But I like you. I just wanted to tell you before you left.” 

 

Yanchen sighs. “Yes Zeren, I know. You’re a sweet kid, I’m sure you’ll find someone who loves you just as much as you love them. Maybe we’ll see each other in a few more years, who knows.”

 

And with a final weight lifted off of his shoulders, Ding Zeren bids Zhou Yanchen goodbye. And Zeren wonders if another chapter of his life has just finished. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yanchen and Zeren meet again
> 
> sort of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahah remember when i said the next chapter would be up in the next week. oops.  
> short chapter today! i just really wanted to get this up. hope you all enjoy :)
> 
>  **EDIT:** after posting this chapter i later learned that yanchen met xingjie and zhou rui at the survival show 'king of pop'... lets pretend that didnt happen for the sake of this story, yes?

**AUTUMN, 2016 (BEIJING)**

More than a year after leaving Shitty Management Entertainment, Yanchen realizes it was the best decision he’d ever made in his life. 

Pursuing both his academics and his career at the same time was something he never thought was possible. He had classes from Monday to Thursday, and on Fridays he doubled up on his practice hours at the company. 

His Guoran family was still his home away from home, even if he was back in China. And as ironic as it is, they couldn’t be more different from his back in Korea. Zhou Rui and Zhu Xingjie, and all the other trainees at the company were loud. They were loud and obnoxious — in the best way possible — and were never afraid to speak their mind. The big, scary atmosphere of SM Entertainment was replaced with a much more chill environment. The sense of competition was gone, too. Yanchen no longer felt as though he was competing against all the other trainees, but rather, that the success of one trainee was success for all. He greatly appreciated the change. 

Yanchen, in many ways, was still the same. He (much to Zhou Rui’s delight) hasn’t grown taller, still maintains his pearly white teeth, and still loves to dance. He’s thankful for his time at SM. Even if it was really fucking tough, he honed his dance skills and developed his singing ability there.

At SM, Yanchen met the right people at the wrong time. He often wonders about the friends he’d made in Seoul. He wonders about how they all must be feeling since the start of the NCT project. Since Yanchen left, Kun featured his vocals in one of NCT’s Chinese songs, whilst Renjun was practicing for his own subunit’s debut. Even Sicheng had danced at the Top Chinese Music Awards. In fact, all of his friends from Seoul had been part of the SM Rookies lineup — all of them except Zeren. 

As sad as it is, Yanchen has lost touch with Zeren. The last he’d heard from him was shortly after Yanchen left SM Entertainment. 

_Zeren Di: Gē! I can’t talk to you anymore :((( they’re confiscating our phones >:((((_  
**Me: what the fuck??? why??**  
_Zeren Di: Oh no the manager hyung is coming  
Zeren Di: bye ge :(( _

Apparently, Since the announcement of the NCT project, the company started to confiscate all the trainees’ phones to make sure they weren’t ‘distracted’. (Quite frankly, Yanchen thought that was bullshit, and was extremely glad to have left by then).

As such, Yanchen was only able to keep in touch with his friends that were officially part of NCT. And as his barely-there Korean skills had diminished, that left him with a total of one (1) friend — Sicheng. According to Sicheng, Zeren’s parents were fed up with the distance and wanted him to come back home. He was apparently getting transferred to a big Chinese company, though Sicheng wasn’t sure which one. 

Yanchen thinks a lot about Zeren. It’s been more than a year since he’s last seen him, the little brother he never had. He must be what, sixteen, seventeen now? He wonders if Zeren is still the same lovable, loud, kid he’d been at fourteen. Surely now he’s grown taller (maybe, he was always weirdly short), and become even better at dancing than before. 

Yanchen waited for Zeren’s call. He remembered saying that he would treat the kid to a bowl of noodles when he came back to China.

(The call never came).

———

Winter, 2017 (BEIJING) 

When their manager said they were sending them to an idol producing competition, he really wasn’t kidding. When it’s finally the Guoran crew’s turn to pick their seats. Yanchen is pretty sure he sees a bunch of trainees snicker at them. And honestly, he doesn’t blame them. Yanchen knows what they look like: a cute kid (read: Yankai), a scary looking kid with dreads (read: Xiao Gui), a scary looking Huba (Xingjie), and a guy that looks way too friendly for his own good (read: Yanchen). He sees a few trainees laugh at their choice of unanimous ‘F’s and questionable outfits, but even more looking scared shitless at Xingjie’s face and Xiao Gui’s dreads. Ha, intimidation tactics always work. 

As the first few sets of trainees do their audition, Yanchen is pleasantly underwhelmed. He decides that each person in the room looks far more intimidating than they actually are. Though he still feels bad for each group that probably deserved a ‘C’ more than an ‘F’, he supposes it’s still entertaining. 

A number of trainees catch Yanchen’s eye, and he’s very difficult to impress. The Qin’s entertainment trainees with their stable vocals and ever present largeness, (because there’s no other way to describe them); Cai Xukun and his very professional, intimidating, _I’m Better Than You aura_ — Yanchen bets that he’s just a really awkward kid and is trying to overcompensate. And Zheng Ruibin, a very handsome trainee who sang an extremely upbeat Cantonese song and rapped in English.

(As a very gay™ man, Yanchen wonders how well he’ll survive with all the testosterone and alpha males surrounding him. But out of a hundred trainees, there’s bound to be at least _some_ people he can hook up with.)

After Cai Xukun, when the banner above the stage showed the words _Yuehua Entertainment_ , Yanchen was pretty sure there was a collective gasp from all the trainees. (Except the Banana Culture trainees, those cocky bastards). As they file out one by one, Yanchen realizes how done for he actually is. They all have that approachable Kpop aesthetic, not to mention how two of them are already well known. 

Yanchen quickly grows uninterested with them. Yeah they’re handsome and probably talented, but he refuses to put them on a pedestal solely because of what company they’re under; Xingjie seems to have the same mentality. 

He realizes that one of them is Fan Bingbing’s little brother, but that’s not what Yanchen is interested in. As he squints his eyes, he sees a familiar pair of wide eyes and dark skin. 

“Hi, my name is Ding Zeren, I’m eighteen years old, in the team I mainly dance and rap.” 

Yanchen almost shits himself. 

After this revelation, Yanchen dedicates one hundred percent of his attention to the Yuehua trainees. And he’s not disappointed. 

They truly live up to their company’s name, with even their beginning formation being impressive. As they grind on the floor in perfect harmony and rap their hearts out for two minutes, Yanchen is thoroughly impressed. 

He already knew that Zhu Zhengting and that Justin kid would be forces to reckon with. He also finds himself impressed by the adorably giant Bi Wenjun, who has a talent for singing and is surprisingly good at dance, despite his height. With Zeren, though, Yanchen is floored. 

During Zeren’s performance, he remembers the little kid he met three years ago. He remembers a gangly teenager with a penchant for dance and a wide smile. Now, Yanchen sees the transformation from an awkward teenager to a handsome man. Zeren has grown (both literally and in skill) so much since Yanchen last saw him. Hell, he raps and dances like a beast. Yanchen can’t help but feel an immense sense of pride. 

After their performance, Zeren steps up to the center of the stage by himself. As he dances, Yanchen wonders how good at dancing he himself is, as Zeren moves his body in a way he’s never seen before. He’s incredibly in sync with the music and has such control of his movements. He’s definitely better than Yanchen now, and he’s so talented that Yanchen can’t even bring himself to be mad about it. 

———

 

Many performances later, it’s finally the Guoran boys’ time to shine. They’re given a warm welcome from MC Jin, and Yanchen sees a glint of recognition in Yixing’s eyes (much to his disappointment, he doesn’t say anything about it). 

When Zeren sees Yanchen, it’s like he reverts back to his fifteen year old self. “Holy shit, holy shit, holy _shit_.” 

“Language!” Zhengting whisper yells from a few seats to his left. 

Zeren mentally curses himself for being so cringey at fifteen. He remembers the last time he saw Yanchen in person, and he fucking _confessed_ to him. He thinks of the many ways he could possibly avoid Yanchen throughout the duration of this competition before he realizes, wait, I don’t actually want to do that. 

After his mental haze, Wenjun nudges him from his side. “Aiya, stop daydreaming. The performance is about to start,” 

Yanchen hasn’t changed a bit. 

His bowl cut is arguably the worst thing about him, but otherwise, he’s still fucking amazing at dancing and his smile is still brighter than the sun. His vocals are better than ever, too. Zeren only wishes that he impressed Yanchen as much as he did him. In fact, he hopes that Yanchen even recognizes him with how much he’s changed. He really hopes he does.

He’s a little disappointed with Yanchen’s ‘B’, but he supposes that Yixing ge’s standards are just way too high. He’s proud of Yanchen nonetheless. He hopes that they can rekindle the friendship they once had, even if it was years ago in a country far away from home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was an abrupt ending oops
> 
> anyway hope u still enjoyed! concrit and kudos are much appreciated <3 
> 
> come yell at me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/shuaixing)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zeren and Yanchen finally reunite. Screaming ensues.

As it turns out, Zeren and Yanchen have to save their dramatic reconciliation for another time. 

 

They both had to wait for life, or rather, _scheduling_ to come first. Zeren learns that watching the evaluations of eighty other trainees makes you 1) really tired, and 2) question your own masculinity. Apparently, seeing other kids get roasted by someone who was essentially a former mentor to you is both saddening _and_ exhausting. He does, ultimately, have a good time. Getting to see talented (and not so talented) trainees is both an honor and a privilege; seeing such raw talent in the face of Chen Linong, as well as the pure unadulterated perfection in the likes of the Banana Culture trainees proves to be extremely humbling. 

 

Zeren definitely thinks he’s becoming fifteen again when suddenly all he wants to do is find Yanchen and give him a big hug. 

 

After the Guoran boys’ evaluation, Zeren tries (read: fails) to try to meet Yanchen’s eyes. His gaze follows Yanchen’s form until he goes back up to sit behind the Yuehua trainees— _damn these low seats,_ Zeren thinks. (Little does he know that Yanchen’s eyes trail after him, too.)

 

When Yixing shows the video about trainee life, Yanchen doesn’t tear up. He doesn’t know if its because of being used to the extremities of this life, or whether its because of simple lack of emotion. Though, deep down, he knows it’s the former. 

 

Yanchen remembers going to Korea at the age of seventeen against his parents’ wishes. He remembers cold practice room floors and foreign syllables rolling against his tongue. He remembers the first Lunar New Year spent without his family, and eating cold fried rice in his dorm room. He remembers Kun and Yuta and Hansol, and laughing and crying and sweating and bleeding with them. He remembers Sicheng, Renjun, and Zeren, the people that were once his own little brothers. He remembers the pressure as a foreign trainee, the fear of not being able to debut. He remembers it all. 

 

But would he have traded it for the world? No.

 

Yanchen sees Yankai sniffling beside him, and he wraps his arm around the younger boy’s shoulder. He doesn’t know what their company was thinking, sending a young kid like him to a competition like this.

 

Later that night, the the trainees file out of the auditorium into the dorms. This, Yanchen realizes, is when the competition starts. 

 

———

 

When they’ve all settled into their dorms, Zhu Zhengting calls for a complete OT7™ Yuehua meeting. He whispers to Chengcheng to turn the cameras and microphones off. Zhengting doesn’t want what he’s about to say to leave the room. 

 

“Okay everybody, listen up.” He starts, trying to overpower Xinchun and Wenjun’s giggling from the corner of the room. 

 

“Guys! Mom’s trying to talk,” says Justin from behind Zhengting.

 

“Huang Minghao I _swear to god—_ anyway, guys, just remember that this is a competition. We’re here to debut, nothing more. Make friends here, you won’t survive without them. But. Try not to get too attached, it’s easier said than done, I know.” Zhengting says. 

 

“Yeah. Goodbyes suck,” Justin agrees, “when gē and Eunki hyung got separated—”

 

“Justin!” 

 

“Sorry gē, but it’s true.” Justin shrugs. 

 

Zeren wonders about this. Should he not go up to Yanchen then? They’re in a competition environment after all; would rekindling his friendship with him bring more bad than good? 

 

He decides to ask. 

 

“Hey uh, haha about that,” Zeren coughs, “remember my Chinese best friend when I was a trainee in Korea?” 

 

“The one you confessed to like an idiot?” Chengcheng pipes up. 

 

“You know what? Fuck you, Chengcheng. But yeah, he’s here.” 

 

Zhengting eyes double in size. “What? Who? What’s his name? From what company? _Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”_ Zhengting looks like he’s about to have a heart attack. The vein at the corner of his temple bulges, and that only comes out after an intense dance session. Yikes. Maybe Zeren shouldn’t have said anything. 

 

“He’s from Guoran Entertainment. The tall one with the bowl cut, do you remember?” Zeren supplies. He supposes it’s best not to beat about the bush on this one. 

 

“Oh my god. The _hot one_ was your best friend? Jeez ge, are you sure it wasn’t one-sided?” Justin asks. That fucking kid. 

 

Disturbed, Zeren answers him. “Okay first of all gross you’re like, eight years old. Second, _yes_ I am sure it wasn’t one sided you piece of shit.” He takes a deep breath. “Anyway, I was really hoping to reconnect with him y’know? So should I, or is that a bad idea?”

 

“Depends,” Zhengting says “how much did you embarrass yourself?” 

 

“ _Ge!”_

 

“Kidding, kidding. Really though, if you want to reconnect, go ahead. But please be careful, that’s all.” 

 

Zhengting looks… Tired. He’s staring off into the distance (he’s been doing that a lot these days) with a wistful look in his eyes. His eyebrows are furrowed and Zeren badly wants to smooth over the crease in between his eyes and sooth all of his leader’s worries. He’s heard all about Zhengting’s relationship with Eunki — the immediate attraction that was forced apart due to distance.

 

Two years ago, an ocean got in between Zeren and Yanchen’s friendship. This time, Zeren won’t let it happen again. 

 

———

 

Zeren wouldn’t really consider the first week into the show as part of the competition. The trainees were given time to recuperate and adjust to their surroundings. They were interviewed and oriented on the show’s process. They were given time to mingle and interact with their fellow trainees as well— hopefully to start some bonds before the official start of the show.Some of the more clever trainees even figured how to disable some of the cameras and microphones in the dorms. (A secret trick that had ended up spreading like wild fire).

 

The second week into the competition was when ‘shit got real’ as Justin liked to put it. One minute they were eating noodles in the cafeteria and the next they were practicing a song they only had seventy-two hours to memorize. Suddenly it’s three am and no one’s slept more than two hours — not even the camera crew. The other day some of the trainees were sitting around telling stories in a circle and suddenly Song Shuijiao is _fighting_ other boys and it quickly becomes too much. ‘ _It’s really intense’_ Zeren thinks, ‘ _really fucking intense’._

 

Zeren’s never really had much faith in his vocal skills, let alone his vocal skills for a song he’s only spent _three days_ practicing— so it’s really no surprise that he moves down from the A class to the B class. Training with the A class, then, becomes virtually useless. He makes a mental note to work even harder; how is he supposed to debut if his results aren’t at one hundred percent? 

 

There’s one upside to being marked down to the B class, though. The upside being one tall, bright-eyed boy with blinding teeth and a questionable haircut. 

 

Zhou Yanchen. 

 

At first, Zeren — as creepy as it sounds — watches him from afar. (He insists that its more _admiring_ than _stalking_ but Justin and Quanzhe refuse to listen to any of his reasoning). First it’s watching the way Yanchen moves; Zeren is practically in love with the way his limbs move from position to position in perfect fluidity. Then, it becomes less of watching his movements and more of how beads of sweat drip off of Yanchen’s neck. More of watching raised arms thatsweat-slicked abs and an exposed happy trail. 

 

It then dawns on him: Zeren is absolutely, one hundred percent, _screwed._

 

Zeren is really good at pining, as his friends often remind him. “Ge, seriously, your crush on Yanchen is starting to get embarrassing. It’s painful already, please just go make out or something so we can stop suffering with you.” Justin says to him one day, tired from practice yet still able to produce that much sass. 

 

Suddenly, Zeren is taken back to a different practice room in a different city, where a different friend said something very similar about the same boy. (A little part of Zeren likes to believe that it’s fate). 

 

When Zeren finally catches up with Yanchen, it’s because Yanchen accidentally throws awith Nongfu Vitamin Water™ bottle at his head a little too forcefully. 

 

“Oh my god I am so sorry, I was trying to hit Xingjie ge and I— _Ding Zeren?!”_ Yanchen’s eyes widen in shock. How did he not realize that the person he (very tragically) hit was once his best friend? 

 

“ _Yanchen ge!”_ Zeren screams back. 

 

Soon, they’re both jumping around in a tornado of a mix of incoherent screams and words. Something about being in Yuehua, leaving SM, and ‘ _why didn’t you call me?’_

 

The trainees around them range from amused to confused. Xingjie, Xiao Gui, Justin, and Quanzhe look absolutely fucking smug. With faces that almost say, atta boy— go get that dick. The other trainees seem especially bewildered by the scene in front of them; two very talented people screaming at each other not in anger, but in joy? When Jeffery Tung walks in with a piece of bread in his mouth, he blinks once, then twice, and decides to sit down and enjoy the show. 

 

It may not be the most romantic reunion Zeren was hoping for, but he’s with Yanchen, and that is more than enough. 

 

———

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof this was SHORT and i hate exposition i promise this will get more juicy in the future pls stay tuned!!!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the group evaluations and both Yanchen and Zeren are shookt™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the sad :(

Since the first evaluations, Zeren has become somewhat famous among both the staff and contestants, being the only trainee to receive great praise from Zhang PD. Other trainees, especially those in the lower ranks, go to him for dance lessons and tips in preparation for the upcoming performance.

 

Apparently, Zeren has become something of a flirt since the last time Yanchen saw him. It’s starts off with lingering touches and too-enthusiastic compliments, but not to Yanchen, to the other trainees. (He suspects that is has something to do with Zhu Zhengting’s presence, that man attracts gay men like a magnet.) 

 

Ironically enough, Yanchen first hears of it from Xiao Gui after the Half-Beast Half-Human teams’ practice one day. 

 

“Yanchen gē!” Linkai says while storming into the room, hyperventilating and dreads in disarray. “Your boy was putting the moves on me! Tell him I’m straight and to go make out with you instead!” 

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. First of all, Zeren is not ‘my boy’, he’s like a little brother to me. Second of all, how do you know he was ‘putting the moves on you’? He’s a nice kid, he was probably just being nice.” Yanchen replies.

 

“Yeah Linkai,” Xingjie says from the restroom “some people are just nice. It’s a concept you should try to learn sometime.” 

 

“He put his hands on my hips, I feel _violated_.” Linkai tries to reason.

 

“Ooh scary. You wanna report it to Zhang PD?” Xingjie says, walking out of the bathroom with a towel around his neck. It seems as though his shower hasn’t willed away his stresses. He thinks it’s Linkai’s fault. (It probably is.) 

 

“But gē! It wasn’t just me, he did it to Nongnong too.”

 

“I don’t understand why you’re so pressed? Just tell him yourself— why do I have to do it?” Yanchen sighs, stripping off his shirt and climbing into bed. 

 

“I thought you guys were best friends,” Linkai says. 

 

With him, Zeren isn’t as much of a flirt as he is with the other trainees. In fact, one could say he doesn’t flirt with Yanchen at all. He’s a lot more genuine, Yanchen thinks. With him, Zeren doesn’t need to hide behind his loud, obnoxious exterior. Their time together consists of staying behind in the practice rooms during the early hours of the night, whispering in hushed tones with Zeren nodding off on Yanchen’s shoulder more often than not. 

 

Despite their ‘dates’ (as Xiao Gui calls them), Yanchen can’t help but feel insignificant to Zeren. Yes, Zeren is genuine, but surely he’s that way around his Yuehua family as well? Yanchen sees him laugh with Wenjun and Justin at almost every moment they’re together; he sees Zeren with Zhengting when he’s a lot more serious, a lot more concerned for his teammates. 

 

Yanchen is someone from Zeren’s past. And no matter how hard he tries to change that, the fact of the matter still is that Zeren has moved on to another chapter of his life. He’ll debut —probably within the next few years if he doesn’t in this show — with one of the biggest companies in one of the richest countries in the world. He’ll chase his dreams and be on every cover of every magazine, on the lockscreen of every teenage girl’s phone. 

Zeren will leave Yanchen behind because he knows he was never really anything other than an older gēgē that Zeren crushed on for years. And no matter how much Yanchen loves Xingjie, Yankai, Linkai, and Zhou Rui, there’ll always be a Ding Zeren shaped hole in his heart. 

 

_He’ll forget me_ , Yanchen thinks (no, knows). _He’ll forget me in between being an idol, acting, and dating China’s biggest stars. He’ll forget me. He’ll forget me. He’ll forget me. He’ll forget me. He’ll forget me. He’ll—_

 

“Exactly,” Yanchen replies, almost a minute later, “ _were._ ”

 

———

 

Yanchen has sweat his way through two t-shirts before someone walks into the practice room. He’s turned off all of the cameras and microphones, the citizen producers don’t need to see him shirtless and sweaty. 

 

“ _Gē_ ,” Zeren says, taking him by surprise. “you gotta stop. You’re gonna practice yourself to death.” 

 

(Though really, it’s Zeren who was taken by surprise. Seeing Yanchen shirtless and sweaty at the early hours of the goddamn morning. He _really_ doesn’t need this right now.)

 

Yanchen pauses the music on the staff-given iPad. “Aiya, dìdì, you almost gave me a heart attack. Besides, you know how talented Rui-gē, Xukun, Zhengting and Ziyi are, I’m just making sure I match up is all.” 

 

“Yanchen it’s five in the morning.” 

 

“Oh.” Yanchen takes a look at his watch— _05:07_ it reads. Time flies fast when you’re exhausted, he guesses. “Nevermind that, why are _you_ awake then?” 

 

“I woke up early to start practicing. But you look like you haven’t slept in… Well, two years, if I’m honest.” Zeren replies. He looks concerned, eyebrows creasing and all.

 

“Silly xiǎodì, I haven’t slept well since I came out of the womb.” Yanchen jokes. (Zeren does not look amused.) 

 

“You have an hour and a half before wake up call, maybe you should try to get some sleep?” Zeren says. Normally, Yanchen would protest and insist on practicing further, but he’d been practicing for almost seven hours straight. He supposes it’s time for a break. 

 

“Alright then. I’ll stop, I’ll stop. See you later then, xiǎodì.” 

 

(Yanchen does the PPAP choreography on the way to the bathroom, and sings his parts in the shower, but Zeren doesn’t need to know that.)

 

———

 

By the time it’s the group evaluations, pressure is at an all time high. 

 

It’s the first time they’re showing themselves to the citizen producers, and for some of them, it’s their first _real_ performance as an idol. Though some groups are at an advantage, the PPAP team A being one of them, no one is safe from the threat of elimination. Every trainee, no matter how talented or experienced, is putting their all into this first performance. 

 

The first team to go up is Team A of the Half-beast Half-human group. All the other trainees in the backstage are _shook._ The group goes up to the stage looking like the complete opposite of who they are in real life. Really, only Xiao Gui and Jin Yihan look like they’re in their element. In contrast, Bu Fan, ever the adorable giant, is wearing _mink;_ Quanzhe looks mildly threatening (though really, only a little bit); Li Junyi is looking exceptionally straight, which definitely contrasts to his regular exceptionally gay; Dong Yanlei just looks confused (although he always does). And Zeren—

 

Zeren looks _hot._

 

Yanchen only notices that Zeren looks _hot._ He’s usually more eloquent than that, he really is. But the only word he can use to express how Ding Zeren looks is, ‘hot’. Gone is the ‘boy next door’ smile, and ugly yellow plaid flannel. Zeren looks ready to fight and down a bottle of vodka at the same time. 

 

Ding Zeren looks hot and Zhou Yanchen is very, _very_ confused. 

 

When their performance starts, all the trainees cheer for them. A chorus of wolf-whistles and _‘damn!’_ s are thrown across the room. It’s evident really, the contrast from cute to ‘could-fight-you-in-a-bar’. When Xiao Gui opens the song, Yanchen feels his heart swell with pride. He may not have the main rap part, but he did damn well setting the tone for the song. 

 

It continues like that for the rest of the performance. Each one of the trainees are surprised by the performance their brothers put on. They cheer and yell until one of the staff jiejie’s reminds them that they have to conserve their voices for their own performances. 

 

Yanchen thinks the excitement is over until _Zeren lifts up his shirt what the fuck._ All Yanchen can do is be slack jawed and dumbfounded, the Yuehua trainees in the room effectively _scream._

 

“ _Oh my god! Ding Zeren! I love you! Ding Zeren you’re so hot!”_ Justin screams. Chengcheng howls similar things as well. Zhengting on the other hand, screams something along the lines of _put your shirt back down how dare you Ding Zeren you are barely an adult._

 

“That was really cool, really really cool.” Ziyi whispers to Xukun from beside him. Xukun nods in agreement. 

 

Yanchen, on the other hand, is really fucking confused. When did pimple-faced, fifteen year old Ding Zeren become, well, _that._ Zeren is supposed to be Yanchen’s best friend, his little brother. Attraction has no place in this competition, especially in Ding Zeren. Yanchen, as much as he’d like to slap Zeren in the face, feels like he really did well. He makes a mental note to congratulate him later (and lecture him about indecent exposure on television).

 

 

———

 

Half the performances are over when it’s finally time for the group that everyone wants to see— the A group for PPAP. 

 

It’s not an expectation, no, but a given, that they’ll give a strong performance. When you have a group consisting of three ‘A’ class members and two ‘B’ class members, you’ll get nothing less than a quality performance. The team itself is made up of the ever famous (or infamous) Cai Xukun; the talented and beautiful Zhou Rui; the experienced Zhu Zhengting; the dazzlingly handsome (B-O-O-G-I-E) Wang Ziyi; and last but not least, the well-rounded Zhou Yanchen. 

 

Despite their immense talent, the group still underwent their own difficulties. According to Yanchen, they struggled most with distinguishing the contrast between cute and cool for their performance, Xukun and Ziyi most of all. 

 

Zhengting had no problems with it, cuteness was ‘forced out of him’ as he likes to put it, during Produce 101. Zhou Rui on the other hand was a good actor, whereas Yanchen _knew_ he was cute. Zeren remembers Yanchen a couple of years ago, using aegyo to charm food or drinks from their friends. 

 

(Zhou Yanchen and his bright smile and big white teeth are truly a force to be reckoned with.) 

 

They start their performance and the crowd can’t stop screaming. That’s what happens, Zeren thinks, when you put Zhu Zhengting and Cai Xukun in the same team — their army of super fans will support them to no end. 

 

When the beat drops, both the crowd and trainees feel the energy oozing out of the ones on stage. The costume jiejie’s really did a good job on this one, all five of them look like a good combination of cute and classy, each of them with outfits that match their personality. Ziyi with his hair up and untucked shirt; Zhengting in his (adorable) brown bowtie; Zhou Rui in his ponytail; Xukun with his dark makeup; and Yanchen in his dark vest and glasses. 

 

Zeren discovers that Yanchen looks really, really good in glasses. 

 

When Yanchen and Zhengting hold hands the trainees, as they did so many times that night, scream. (The Yuehua and Guoran boys especially.) 

 

“ _Oh my god Zhengting gē finally found someone as gay as him!”_ Chengcheng screams. He and Justin jump around in delight. Those kids really gotta learn to shut up. 

 

Xiao Gui and Xingjie respond back from across the room, “Your boy better not steal Yanchen away from us!” 

 

All the trainees have a good laugh after that. And soon enough, more performances later, the trainees are all at a separate stage room and results for the live votes are being announced. 

 

———

 

The trainees all head back to the dorms and congratulate each other. The mentors do as well, and assure them that even though their team may not have won, their efforts were still definitely seen by the citizen producers. 

 

That night, Zeren goes skips over to the Guoran dorm room to go and look for Yanchen. He knocks on the door and a tired looking Xiao Gui (with half his dreads out) answers.

 

“Oh you’re here for Yanchen I’m guessing?” 

 

“How’d you know?” Zeren asks, puzzled at how he’d know he was there for Yanchen. 

“I know all about your past friendship. Yanchen’s in the shower, just wait here, he should be finishing up. Oh, and hang out with Yanchen will ya? The dude seems to think you hate him or something.” Xiao Gui yawns. 

 

“Wait _what?_ ” 

 

“Oh look, here he is now. Yanchen! Your boy’s here!” Zeren doesn’t know how to react to being called Yanchen’s ‘boy’, and how he hears a _‘oh Zeren’s there?’_ from Yankai in the background. It’s odd, how they all respond to Zeren being Yanchen’s ‘boy’.

 

“What’s up xǐaodì?” 

 

“Oh nothing! I just wanted to congratulate you guys for your performance.” Zeren says.

 

“Lets go to the practice room then? I wanted to congratulate you too.” Yanchen says. 

 

Once they enter the practice room, Zeren tells Yanchen all about his adventures with group A of the Half-beat Half-human team. How Dong Yanlei was struggling, how impressed they all were by Li Junyi’s vocals, 

 

Yanchen takes this time to congratulate Zeren, too. “Oh right! Great job out there xǐaodì, you were really good dancing on stage.” He says, while ruffling Zeren’s hair, “But no more indecent exposure on stage, okay? You’re a baby. You’re not allowed.”

 

Yanchen tells him that he’s knackered and is gonna go to bed, while Zeren stays behind in the practice room. 

 

As he leaves, Zeren wonders if all he’ll be to Yanchen is his silly, little, idiot xǐaodì. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhh this chapter was my bad attempt at being funny im sorry if you've made it this far,, but i mean i said it was gon be crack bUT ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ comments and kudos give me life so yay thanks for reading!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zeren needs to stop worrying about Yanchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> strap in lads this one's a doozy!!

Eliminations are always bittersweet.

 

Of course there’s the relief of surviving till the next round, the feeling of being able to fight a little bit longer. But then there’s the feeling of loss— seeing your friends, brothers, being eliminated.

 

Zeren’s all too familiar with the feeling of loss. He remembers when Zhang PD talked about SM’s trainee system, about elimination after elimination after elimination until _finally_ reaching the lineup for a group. Zeren remembers the delight he saw on his friends’ faces when they were confirmed for the SM Rookies lineup; he remembers his own disappointment when he was ‘eliminated’ from the selection. He remembers the worst feeling in the world being seeing his best friend pack his bags to go home.

 

(He had scolded Quanzhe the other day for packing early. The memory of Yanchen leaving in 2015 was still fresh in his memory. He didn’t wish to relive it.)

 

But life goes on. There are still interviews to be shot, practices to attend, and performances to be done. Life goes on, and it fucking sucks. 

 

Right after the eliminations, the trainees are given a day to recuperate— then it’s back to business. For the second evaluations, it’s both about the success of the individual _and_ the success of the group. 

 

As they go by ranking, Zeren gets to be the twentieth person to go to his song of choice. Before he goes up, he passes by Yanchen and whispers a quick, _Nunchucks_ into his ear. And suddenly Yanchen stops having difficulty in choosing a song.

 

When the Nunchucks team gets acquainted with each other, they have difficulty in selecting a center for their performance. There were three options: Yu Mingjun, Yanchen, and Zeren. Their intentions for wanting to be a center are all different— Mingjun wants to raise his ranking, Yanchen wants to display his talents to the citizen producers, and Zeren just knows that he’s the best person for the job. 

 

Through unanimous voting, Zeren and Yanchen get the Center and Leader positions respectively.

 

 

———

 

Being leader is a tough job, especially when not everybody is at the same skill level. 

 

It’s not the same as the PPAP group, where their biggest difficulty was trying to be cute. They had had all the moves down quickly, it was adding their own personal flair that took time and energy. The skill level — although not necessarily all the same — was high across the board, and it definitely lead to their advantage. 

 

Bangbang and Ling Qi are having a difficult time due to their lack of dance foundation, and dedicating extra time to teach them the moves they should already know is eating up their practice time. Everyone in the group feels the pressure of not being _the best,_ especially with a majority of them being part of the lower ranks.

 

It’s not easy when Yanchen dedicates his resting time to help Bangbang with his dancing, when he wakes up extra early to make sure Ling Qi is awake. 

It’s not easy when Yanchen keeps forgetting to take his iron supplements. When each time he checks his blood pressure it gets lower and lower. It’s not easy when Yanchen almost passed out once in the practice room.

 

“Yanchen you have to eat,” Xingjie tells him one day as they sit in the cafeteria, Yanchen stares off into space while a bowl of untouched noodles sits on his tray. 

 

“What were you saying? Sorry I’m kind of out of it right now,” 

 

“ _Eat._ And take your damn iron supplements while you’re at it— oh, and drink a bottle of Nongfu will ya? You’re looking paler than me these days.” Xingjie says.

 

“Right, sorry gē.” 

 

Xingjie hands Yanchen a bottle full of little red pills and watches him take two. He also tosses him a bottle of Red Nongfu Vitamin Water, just for extra measures. 

 

———

 

It’s four more days until the performance and the Nunchucks team is still lacking. 

 

Yanchen tries his hardest not to scold his teammates, especially Bangbang and Ling Qi, as he knows their situations can’t be helped. Bangbang lacking in dance foundations isn’t his fault, he’s a singer — he just caught the short end of the stick when all the vocal positions were filled up. And he’s trying, he really is; Yanchen can’t blame him for that. Ling Qi’s only problem stems from being a kid too fucking young for this industry. Hell, Yanchen thinks that the only time the kid has ever had to stay up late was to cram for a test, not to practice for a performance in front of a thousand audience members. 

 

He knows it’s not his fault, so Yanchen takes extra care into making sure he wakes up for practice. As a leader, it’s not his job, but he sees a little bit of Zeren in Ling Qi — a lost, fifteen year old kid in an industry bigger and scarier than anything. So he empathizes with him (pities, really) and makes sure not to get too irritated with his mistakes. 

 

Ironically, it’s Zeren who snaps first. 

 

They’re doing their thirteenth (fourteenth? fifteenth?) run through of the day. It’s five in the afternoon and everyone is exhausted. Bangbang hasn’t made a mistake yet, it’s all going smoothly, _finally—_

 

“ _Ling Qi! Pay attention!”_

 

All eyes move towards Zeren. He’s aware of what he just said, screamed really, and his face shows no remorse. 

 

He’s not the type of person to snap, to scold, or to yell. Zeren’s loud, sure, but he never, _ever_ screams at anyone. It’s difficult, Yanchen thinks, when your level is so much higher than everyone else’s that you’re anchored down. Zeren is tired. They all are. 

 

Yanchen sees the fear in Ling Qi’s eyes, how his bottom lip is trembling. He calls for a group meeting and apologizes. 

“In all my years of dancing, not once have I heard a teacher say to me, _‘hey, pay attention’._ ” Zeren starts. Ling Qi looks impossibly guilty, and Yanchen wishes he could have done something to avoid this situation. 

 

“I’m really sorry everyone, this wouldn’t have happened if I were a better leader,” 

 

———

 

It’s a day before their final dress rehearsals that Yanchen sees himself slowing down. 

 

As they’re halfway through their independent practice time, Yanchen sees that he’s a beat slower than the other members. During their next run through, he does it again, only this time, he trips over his own feet.

 

The other members look at him in shock. It’s not like their leader to be tripping up and making mistakes, _especially_ this close to a performance. Zeren looks at Yanchen worriedly. His breaths are heavier, now. He’s especially pale and looks like he could collapse at any moment. _Holy shit, is he_ ** _shaking_** _?_

 

He thinks that perhaps skipping meals and cutting short his rest time are finally taking a toll on him. He pulls Yanchen aside and motions for them to talk in the corridor.

 

“Gē, are you sure you’re okay? Your movements are a little…” 

 

“Slow? Yeah I know. I think I just need to rest a little bit. In fact, I’m gonna go take a quick nap and I’ll be back to practice at—” he glances at his watch, it’s currently 4:30 “—seven. You guys continue without me.” He hopes that Zeren doesn’t notice the shakiness in his voice, how he’s rambling, how his legs are bouncing up and down just the slightest bit. Yanchen himself is scared, he’s never been this worn out before. He hopes he just really needs to nap and it’s not something more serious than that. 

 

“Don’t stay up too late okay gē?” Yanchen feels warmth in his chest, he sees the affection and concern in Zeren’s eyes. It’s endearing for someone other than Xingjie to actually care about him. 

 

“Don’t worry about me xǐaodì,”

 

Zeren pops back into the practice room to call for a short break. Our leader is breaking down, he tells them, he says he’ll be right back after taking Yanchen back to his dorm. 

 

As they walk from the corridors of the practice rooms to the dorm rooms, Yanchen bumps his shoulders with Zeren’s. 

 

“What is this a first date?” He jokes. “You don’t need to take me back to my dorm xǐaodì.”

 

Zeren feels his neck turn red. “You’re so annoying gē,” he scoffs dramatically. “Besides, I wanted to. You look like you’re about to fall down, you know.” 

 

They spend the rest of the journey in comfortable silence, only listening to the patter of their footsteps and the trainees in the other practice rooms. Zeren is suddenly reminded of being at SM entertainment in a dog-eat-dog world— it sucked, but at least he had Yanchen. 

 

When they finally reach Yanchen’s dorm room, Yanchen envelops Zeren into a big hug. He has to bend down a little bit, to reach the height of the his neck. He buries his head into the younger’s neck. “Don’t worry about me too much, okay Zeren? You’ll get wrinkles.” 

 

When Yanchen bids Zeren goodbye, he tries not to focus too much on how he didn’t call him ‘xǐaodì’. He tries not to focus too much on the warmth of Yanchen’s head in his neck, and how much Yanchen feels like home. He tries not to think about the bounce in his step when he walks back to the practice room, too. 

 

(When Xingjie gets back to their dorm room to shower before dinner, he’s pleasantly surprised by Yanchen sleeping soundly in his bunk. On a usual day ,Zeren would have to drop him off at the dorm after catching him practicing until the early hours of the morning. He looks _adorable_. Legs sprawled across the small bed, arms hugging a pillow, and a blanket tucked under his chin. He looks at the staff-given iPod tucked underneath Yanchen’s pillow and unlocks it. He’s almost sure Yanchen set an alarm way too early. 

 

_19:00_

 

_“Fuckin’ knew it,”_ Xingjie mutters. He doesn’t want to wake Yanchen up for dinner, so instead he opts for changing the alarm’s time to 8pm. A little more rest should do him some good. He knows Yanchen will skip dinner, so he leaves a bottle of vitamin water and an apple by his pillow. Yanchen can thank him later.)

 

———

 

Yanchen wakes to an alarm that went off way too late, some food, and a note by his side. It’s on a bright yellow sticky note, and Xingjie’s messy scrawl doesn’t go unnoticed.

 

_‘Changed your alarm. You looked like you needed the rest. And_ ** _EAT_** ’ it reads. 

 

He notices how Xingjie wrote the character for ‘eat’ over and over again, in a poor attempt at bolding it with his shitty almost-out-of-ink pen. Yanchen smiles, Xingjie’s always been a secret mom friend. 

 

He quickly changes from his sleepwear (which is, admittedly, boxers and nothing else) into proper training clothes. He drinks half the bottle of vitamin water and eats the entire apple before heading to the practice room.

 

Yanchen walks along the long hallways from his dorm to the practice rooms. He sees some of the camera crew packing up for the night, with Justin and Chengcheng bidding them goodnight. It’s still early, so most trainees are still practicing and doing their final touches for the dress rehearsals tomorrow. He hums a Mayday song under his breath, and suddenly he’s in the mood to train. He feels refreshed, after that nap.

 

He walks to the practice room alone and catches the tail end of Zeren’s practice with Mingjun. 

 

He peers through the little see through portion on the door and sees the pair of them tired and sweaty from practice. Mingjun leans into the wall and Zeren leans into him, his head against Mingjun’s chest. They’re both laughing about something, probably about something stupid that one of the other trainees did. Yanchen thinks it’s cute, the pair of them. He’s happy Zeren is going after other people, the boy deserves to be loved. 

 

Yanchen decides not to disturb the two, as they seem to be having a good time. He finds the nearest empty practice room and tries to ignore the pang in the pit of his stomach. Maybe the apple Xingjie gave him had already turned bad. 

 

Yanchen connects the iPod to the speakers at the front of the room and begins stretching. There are two moves that he needs to be able to nail by the end of this practice. The first one is a vertical split that he does while leaning against Ling Qi. The second is the spinning jump they do at the end of their performance. 

 

The vertical split is an easy fix — Yanchen just has to keep stretching and force his muscles a little bit harder. The spinning jump is, admittedly, a much larger issue. He can do it, sure, but it’s doing the move after the entire choreography that’s difficult. He doesn’t know how Zeren manages to do it perfectly without losing balance. Yanchen suspects it has to do with his height and proportions— that boy is a midget. 

 

Yanchen practices the jump for the nth time that night before actually falling over. He’s been feeling dizzy for the last couple run throughs of the choreography. But he can’t afford to stop. He can’t. He falls on the tower of vitamin water that some other trainees made. The bottles cause a myriad of loud _bangs_ on the floor, but Yanchen is too lightheaded to pick them up. 

 

Zeren comes bursting through the door at an alarming speed. 

 

“Yanchen! Are you okay? What happened?” 

 

“I just got a little dizzy and fell. Don’t worry about me xǐaodì.” Yanchen still lies on the floor. Trying to regain his bearings. He sees a few dark spots in his vision. Zeren helps sit him up and leans him against the wall. 

 

“Gē. It’s two in the morning, you gotta rest.” Zeren looks worried. _Why does he always look worried? He shouldn’t be worrying about me._

 

“No Zeren, you don’t understand. There’s this jump that I can’t get right and—” 

 

“And _nothing._ You’re breaking down, gē.” Zeren tries to reason. He takes a good look at Yanchen; he’s frail, delicate. He’s gonna break if he keeps doing this to himself. 

 

“Zeren, stay out of it, please. I need to do this.” Yanchen replies. By now, he’s standing up, ready to go through the choreography once more. 

 

“It won’t do you any good to—”

 

“Shit Zeren! I know I’m no good! I know! I fucking know!” Yanchen is hyperventilating now. There’s a look in his eyes, angry tears threatening to spill down his face. 

 

“You know that’s not what I meant.” 

 

“It doesn’t matter! Not every one of us can be you, Zeren! Not every one of us can be part of Yuehua-fucking-entertainment and debut at any given moment! I don’t have that luxury! I need to work harder to get where I need to be!” Yanchen spits.

 

Zeren’s heart _shatters._ “How dare you. How dare you say that. Just because I’m in Yuehua I haven’t worked hard? Is that what it is?” 

 

Yanchen doesn’t answer.

 

“I've been dancing since I was eleven fucking years old, Yanchen! Don’t you dare say to me I didn’t work hard enough. Go practice yourself to death, see if I give a shit.” 

 

Zeren slams the door behind him. Leaving Yanchen cold, alone, lying on the cold linoleum floor. 

 

He’s exhausted, but he doesn’t go to bed. He practices for four more hours, just until he can get the entire routine right enough times that he doesn’t have to worry about it. 

 

At six am, he takes a shower and tiptoes into his dorm. Neither Xingjie nor Linkai stirs awake. Yanchen lies there in his bed, watching the sun rise into a new day. There’s nothing beautiful about his fight with Zeren. There was no water or fire or clashing of elements. Yanchen was a snake; anger and venom soothing out of him at the wrong target.

 

That morning, Yanchen sleeps a dreamless sleep. 

 

———

 

When they finally have dress rehearsals, pressure is at an all-time high within the Nunchucks team. (It seems as though every week, the pressure gets even higher.) There’s an air of tension between Yanchen and Zeren, and none of the other team members know why. 

 

Yanchen sees Mingjun ask Zeren something quietly, as they go off to where the cameras can’t see them. Zeren whispers something back to him and Mingjun hugs him tightly. Yanchen makes a mental note to apologize to Zeren right after rehearsals. 

 

The team goes through their performance when it’s their turn, and the trainees standing on the sidelines cheer for them. But it’s not perfect enough for Yanchen. 

 

They go through it one more time. Yanchen observes his other members whilst doing the moves himself. How Dahe almost trips during the blackout part, how Zeren’s movements are so _sharp_ and _precise._ Yanchen knows the choreography like the back of his hand, he realizes this when he’s just mindlessly doing the moves now. It’s almost time for the ending pose, the spinning jump that he’s been dreading. 

 

He does it, it’s a little shaky, but passable. Suddenly the lights over them get too bright, and the sound of the intercom gets too loud, his vision gets blurrier by the second and— 

 

Yanchen falls onto the floor with a loud thud.

 

Zeren rushes to his side immediately. Yanchen is floating in and out of consciousness, and he can barely make out the words that the others are saying to him. It’s a jumbled up mix of _areyouokaywhathappeneddidyoutakeyourmedicine?_

 

“I’m sorry gē. I’m so, so, so sorry. Please be okay. _Please._ ” Is the last comprehensible thing Yanchen hears. It’s from Zeren, he knows. He couldn’t mistake that voice for anything else. _Why are you apologizing?_ Yanchen wants to say to him. He can’t say anything, though. It’s too hard. His mouth is dry and his vision keeps clouding. _It’s so tempting to just fall asleep right now._

 

“Don’t worry about me, xǐaodì.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooooof let me know how you felt about this chapter!! sorry about the angst,, (though not really lmao)
> 
> dont worry PERHAPS i hurt myself while writing this


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zeren finds something about Yanchen that he had never known before. Also, Yu Mingjun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this me projecting? perhaps it is!!! also! a lot of people commented abt how they love mingjun so i included him more. also: tw: suicidal thoughts.

“No.”

It’s the fifth time Zeren’s asked Xingjie if he could go visit Yanchen. To his disappointment, Xingjie shuts him down once again. 

Yanchen came back from the hospital at seven that morning, coming out of the ambulance in a wheelchair with Xingjie pushing him and Linkai at his side. Zeren peered at them from the outside of the building; he could hear the rolling of wheels against gravel, desperate to get closer and greet Yanchen. Before he could even think about trying, Xingjie shot him a glare.  

Zeren glances at his watch, it’s 4pm. He ends the training session with the rest of the Nunchucks team, it’s not like they were able to get much done anyway. Tensions have been high ever since last night’s events with Yanchen. 

Zeren collapses on the floor with his head rested on the mirror. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. A million things are running through his mind right now—is Yanchen doing okay? Has he been eating and drinking properly? Does Yanchen even  _want_ to see him right now? 

His thoughts are interrupted when he feels a cold towel against his forehead. He opens his eyes to a concerned looking Mingjun peering down at him. 

“Hey Ren, are you okay? You seem a little tense...”  _Did_ _Mingjun_ _just call me ‘Ren’?  What the hell kind of nickname is that?_

Zeren doesn’t bother correcting him. “I’m just a little worried about Yanchen, that’s all.” 

“Why haven’t you gone to see him? Ruibin told me he’s feeling a lot better than last night.”

“Xingjie hasn’t been allowing me to go see him,” Zeren answers honestly. 

“Why is that?” 

“Yanchen and I fought the night before he fainted.” 

“Oh.” Mingjun doesn’t seem to know how to respond to that. Instead he asks Zeren about his past with Yanchen. “You guys are close though, right? Didn’t you used to train at SM?” 

Mingjun tries not to notice the way Zeren’s eyes light up at the mention of his long friendship with Yanchen.  “Yeah. You know we used to have our own little group of Chinese trouble makers? They’re all debuted now, in that new kpop group ‘NCT’.” 

“That’s sounds really nice. When did you meet Yanchen?” He smiles at Zeren, catching Zeren’s happiness like a virus. Mingjun finds himself smiling, too. 

“I was thirteen. Jesus, I guess Yanchen and I met almost six years ago.”

“I didn’t realize you guys go way back,” 

Mingjun let’s him go on about Yanchen. He loves the way Zeren laughs animatedly at his memories. Mingjun thinks his smile could light up the world, he feels like he could dance to the sound of Zeren’s voice. It’s music to his ears until-- 

“--god and I’ve been in love with the guy since I was  _fifteen.”_

Zeren suddenly realizes what he said, and Mingjun’s smile almost falters.

He gets up, a sad smile across his face – but a smile nonetheless – and says, “I like you Zeren, a lot. And you know what, fuck Xingjie. Go tell Yanchen how you feel, and if it doesn’t work out, I’m here.” 

Mingjun exits the room with his pride and dignity intact, and this time it’s Zeren that’s left cold and alone, lying on the linoleum floor. 

— — —

When the sun sets, Zeren trudges up to the spare room where Yanchen was staying – he's given up on asking for Xingjie's permission. It’s not like he's Yanchen’s guardian anyway. (Besides, they’ll have to see each other when they perform, why not finish the race while he’s at it?)

Before he knocks on the door, he hears yelling. 

_“Why won’t you let me see him?”_

_“He’s not good for you,_ _Yanchen_ _.”_ The second voice sounds an awful like Xingjie. 

_“You don’t get to decide that!”_

_“He told you to practice yourself to death. Who the fuck tells a suicidal person that? Huh? Tell me!”_

_“Zeren didn’t_ _kno_ _\--”_

Zeren fucked up. Zeren fucked up so bad he does the only thing he knows how to: run. 

So he runs. He runs across the dorm room all the way down the stairs. He runs away from the cameras and Zhengting and the staff members. He runs all the way across the sidewalk until he reaches the practice room building. He runs, and runs, and runs, and runs, and somehow his legs take him to the rooftop. He pushes off the lock on the door and rests against the pillar adjacent to it; he lets out a strangled cry. 

Zeren just doesn’t know what to fucking do anymore. 

He can’t believe he said something so disgusting, so terrible. He can’t believe he didn’t realize how much pain Yanchen was in, how much he was suffering on the inside. 

But most of all, he can’t believe how much sadness Yanchen was hiding behind his beautiful smile. 

(What’s fucked up us how Zeren doesn’t even have the time to process everything happening. Because suddenly its six-thirty, and dress rehearsals are in ten minutes, and  _Zeren needs to get himself together.)_

Zeren makes a list in his head. He has two things to accomplish: 

1) Apologize to Yanchen 

2) Be there for Yanchen

His first priority though, was making sure his eyes weren’t bloodshot and that his shirt wasn’t tearstained. He goes straight to the performance hall where the rest of the Nunchucks team are not-so-patiently waiting for him. 

As the staff jiejie fills in his eyebrows, Zeren makes eye contact with Yanchen through the mirror. He opens his mouth to say something but is cut off by the overhead speakers.  _Nunchucks_ _team, you’re up in 10._

Yanchen shoots him a look, as if to say,  _We’ll talk later_

They go through their performance, and like it was the last time, it’s perfect. The team worries about Yanchen’s stability, but he seemed to have it under control. When it’s time for their ment, Yanchen says a quick thank you and goes backstage—he hasn’t quite recovered yet. 

The team members each say their respective ‘thank you’s. It’s all a blur, really. Because one second, they’re up on stage and the next second, Zeren’s name is in big bold letters with ‘ **FIRST PLACE’** to its side. 

 He doesn’t think it’s fair. Yanchen worked so hard for this he  _fainted_ , put perhaps the citizen producers just don’t see it the way Zeren sees it. He should be more appreciative, really, but Zeren thinks that the least he can do is offer up this win to Yanchen. He deserves it. He deserves the world. 

It’s around two in the morning by the time everyone is back and settling into the dorms. Yanchen ushers Zeren inside private room he’s still staying in. 

They both stand there, staring at each other, before Yanchen stops the silence. 

He takes a seat on the bed at the middle of the room and pats the space next to him. “Come, xiaodi, sit here,”

Zeren remains silent. “You’d think it’s roomy right? But I just think it’s lonely,” Yanchen continues.

It’s silent again, but it’s peaceful. Zeren takes the time to look at Yanchen; to really, look at him.  

He notices how tired Yanchen looks, not physically, but mentally. How his eyes don’t shine the same way they did years ago, how his smile doesn’t go to his ears like it used to. 

“I’m sorry.” They both say in unison. 

“I’m sorry.” Yanchen starts, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry--” 

Yanchen’s voice breaks, he’s dry heaving, and little tears start falling down his cheeks. It’s the first time Zeren properly looks at him. And Yanchen looks so fucking  _broken._

Zeren just holds him tight. He holds him and lets him cry into his shoulder. Zeren holds him and rubs his back and tells him that everything will be okay. 

“You heard Xingjie and I fighting right? I’m sorry Zeren, I’m just so fucked in the head. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

“Yanchen, you don’t need to be sorry. You’re not fucked in the head.” Yanchen has stopped crying, he rests his head against Zeren’s shoulder.  “Look at me, Yanchen,” 

Zeren puts his finger under Yanchen’s chin and tilts his head up. “You’re perfect, and beautiful, and I love you. Okay? You’re perfect.” 

Yanchen’s eyes are bloodshot, his cheeks are pink, and his lips are still red from crying—but goddamn if Zeren doesn’t think he’s beautiful. 

Zeren looks at Yanchen’s lips and leans in, matching his mouth with his.

It’s chaste and sweet, Yanchen tastes like vitamin water and apples. They pull apart to breathe and rest their forheads together. 

 “Thank you, Zeren.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was short and rushed and dialogue heavy (which i dont usually do!!). im sorry for not updating ive been on summer holiday so im in the US right now yay! but yes hope u enjoyed hehehehe

**Author's Note:**

> let me know how it is! the second part will be up hopefully by next week.
> 
> (comments and kudos give me life btw)
> 
> and come hit me up [on twitter](http://twitter.com/_kimjongout)


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